Lifetime’s Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Movie Had Everything

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Lifetime aired the long-awaited Unauthorized Saved By The Bell movie last night and it was spectacular. Fans of camp television had plenty to indulge in this complete travesty. Even though Lifetime stripped out all the fucking salacious details from Diamond’s book Behind The Bell, on which this movie is based, it still managed to be over the top, in the best way possible. So basically the KidzBop version of SBTB. What they did keep was Diamond’s smug tone and “Hollywood? More like HollyWIERD, amiright?” tone. There wasn’t a lot here, but what was here was glorious!

1. A-C-T-I-N-G!

“I’m so excited… I’m so excited… I’m so… scared.” Not shown: Dustin cracking up, turning to his castmates and saying “What? they’re caffeine pills… not heroin!”

2. This kid’s fake eyebrow game is on-point
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(
no, its not. but he’s acting like it is… badly)

3. Foreshadowing!
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o
bviously…

4. Racism!
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5. Sass!
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6. Demons!
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T
here wasn’t an available gif, but this kickboxing scene was a complete trainwreck. It looks like it was lifted from a completely different movie. After the intense workout, dustin here cools off with vodka, from a FLASK. I wonder if Brandon Tarktikoff gave him that fancy gift? Hey kids, what do you think?

Film "Harry Potter and the philosopher's stone" In United States In November, 2001-
 “PROPS!”

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“PROPS!”

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“PROPS!

Dana_Plato_1979
“PROPS!”

 judy-garland
“PROPS!”

Mickey Rooney
“PROPS!”

7. Accuracy!
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t’s refreshing when props, casting and wardrobe all work together to accurately portray a time period. Look out Janie Bryant! (h/t @jbspitzer)

8. Rivalry!
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My fave part was Dustin crapped out after about 5 push-ups. A-C-T-I-N-G!

9. Intrigue!
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Who was Dustin’s friend that framed him with a pot smoking video? Was he imaginary (possible)? My friend suggested it was Brian Austin Green. Interesting! And speaking of BAG…

10. Delusion!
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W
hen Tori Spelling is referred to as “the Beautiful Tori Spelling” something in the milk ain’t clean!

The two hour movie slap-dash effort wraps up with a quick overview of what happened to everyone (“Elizabeth finally got her dream. She went on to star in movies.”) while the background actors pretend to freeze by standing still, which is so low rent I can’t believe even the crap purveyors at lifetime weren’t like “we can get you a green screen.” Diamond finally reveals what a whitewash this has all been by not including any of his infamous pursuits post-Saved:
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