Cruel Summer

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(Cue the smooth guitar solo)…

This season of The Real Housewives of OC brought us Tamra trying to convince Eddie to have a baby by adopting a robot for a few weeks. Vicki faced her empty-nest square in the eye and cried every time she thought about Briana and Troy moving to Oklahoma. Heather continued to be judgemental and privilaged, and Shannon joined the cast with a whiny needy voice and a husband whose main attribute is looking sweaty. Lizzie joined the cast too, and besides playing a masterful game of ‘marry, shag, kill’ contributed little. All the ladies took a trip to Bali, which gave Vicki myriad excuses to scream, Tamra plenty of excuses to get pissed off, Heather to act cool and better than everyone else, and Shannon to snivel to all the girls how mean Tamra is. Oh, and Lizzie came along too. We end the season, much like other seasons, in Vicki’s backyard…

Could you ever imagine the season finale of the RHOC staged in a more boring manner? Vicki’s home is decked out in the finest Bali splendor from Cost Plus and Pier One. I wonder if Vicki gets a location fee? Everybody arrives at the party with a chip on their shoulder and ready to have one last dramatic flare up to ensure another season on the show. David fires the first shot, by apologizing to Terry and Heather for making inappropriate remarks about Heather’s legs during their groundbreaking. Does anybody even remember that? it seems like ages ago. But Terry is still angry that it was said in front of their children and his 80 year old mother (she’s heard worse, Terry, I’m sure. and if not, she should trying watching Botched). David makes some half-hearted apology which seems to placate Terry for the moment.

Watch The Real Housewives of Orange County Season 9 | Terry Cuts David Down.

During the extravagant Bali dinner, Lizzie apologizes for what seems to be the nth time for playing shag, marry, kill and saying she’d like to fuck Eddie (makes two of us). Well, Tamra again explains why this is unacceptable to her as a friend and this whole bit seems like it was cooked up to give the new girl something to do. I mean, really? This is the biggest beef they can come up with and i just can’t anymore with it. Christian keeps his head down and continues to eat quietly. Smart man. Then before you know it, we have to revisit Terry and David’s stupid feud again (along with this season’s phrase that pays ‘take the Beadors down’) and everyone seems flabbergasted, tired and ready to call it a night. While we get updates over smooth jazz guitar, we’re told that David and Shannon want to downsize and are selling their home. Meanwhile, the Dubrows are about a year away from moving into their new McMansion, Heather is on some web series no one cares about, and Terry continues to kill it with his show Botched.

We get some jokey interstitial about what the women are sorry for this season (Vicki: making fun of Oklahomans, Tamra for pricks in cars, Lizzie for absolutely nothing because she barely factored into this season at all) before getting a final sendoff from Tamra, trying to tear up one last time about her child-custody battle with Simon and that Ryan is moving north, far away from steroids and Cut Fitness. Vicki gets the last few moments to cry through the botox about Brianna moving to Oklahoma and being an empty-nester. It’d be all very touching if we hadn’t seen this same scene at least twice before, and like Brianna’s husband and Ryan, I can’t wait to get the hell away from these women. There’s still the reunion parts I-IV and I’m sure we’ll get to hear another round of shag, marry, kill with Tamra and Lizzie, and a reprise of David saying ‘open those legs’ to Heather while David’s mom makes sure everyone is on time for the ribbon cutting ceremony, but all in all i wasn’t impressed by this season. Tamra’s storyline seems to be over and none of the new women really made a strong impression. Vicki’s bag of tricks is wearing thin too, though it was nice not to hear her complain that she HAS TO WORK! If they got rid of everyone but Heather and Vicki I wouldn’t be surprised.

What did you think? Up for more with these ladies?

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