We open on Steve-o inhaling deeeeeply on his first ecig of the day, early in Manhattan. Look at that face! Stephen hasn’t woken up this early in years. Maybe he has an appointment? A meeting with a casting agent? Nah, more likely he has to get his roots touched up. One box of Just for Men Medium-Reddish Brown pronto!
Next scene: Stephen is going… somewhere? We’re still in NYC and we are moving! No budget for a car and driver, so Stephen is cabbing it to our next location. He is sucking down that ecig too, this is too early for Steven and he needs his nic fix extra-strong today!
We are on the set with Steve. He’s pensive in front of the camera. A scene for a very important movie obviously! There’s crew moving stuff about importantly and our hero can’t concentrate hard enough on getting into character.
Quick cut to our next scene: Stephen is meeting people at some delightfully hip little trattoria in the village! How do we know it’s hip? Because they are drinking out of mason jars, duh. Steve’s being extra thoughtful by choosing NOT to vape it up during dinner.
15 seconds into this one minute epic, we join Steve as he
nurses a hangover quietly contemplates his life choices the state of the world and his place in it with a copy of the Times. From the deep furrow in that brow, Steve isn’t happy. More coffee is needed, stat!
Steve decides to clear his head… in Times Square. Good idea Steve. Let’s vape around Times Square and contemplate a vacation! That’s what this spot needs. Steve needs to get out of this crazy city and clear the head.
Machu Pichu! Stunningly beautiful and mystical. Is that fog or is Steve vaping enough for the entire site? Either way, Steve is pensive about it. Maybe he’s thinking of how to follow up his last movie XIII: The Conspiracy?
Back to New York! For a non-working actor, Steve travels a lot. All those cabs cost money though, so we join Steve as he bikes his way through traffic like a real New Yorker, thankyouverymuch. Impressive for a kid from Atlanta raised in LA. Even more impressive since he sucks those ecigs at an impressive rate.
We are back in Central America, backpacking through ruins. Steve is an explorer in case you weren’t listening to the voiceover. Backpacking it through Machu Pichu, contemplating playing a porn star in Bucky Larson: Born to Be A Star and really taking it all in. Steve is at his most James Dean when he’s backpacking in the rain, man. Just him and the elements, and his vape pen.
After a quick cut back to NYC (and a shot of the famous Dorff ass), we join Steve in a Blu eCig fire suit. His Wikipedia page doesn’t mention that he’s racing fan? Maybe he has a gig? Is he filming a new movie?
His wikipedia page doesn’t say, so instead I’ll choose to believe he’s getting into character as Patrick Dempsey’s stand-in for this Beautyrest Black ad:
After a long day on set, man-of-the-people and eCig spokesperson Stephen Dorff is taking the subway from JFK back to his adopted home of Manhattan. After a long flight, Steve needs a couple puffs on the vape pen to calm his nerves. Big stars don’t like to call attention to themselves on the subway obviously, so Steve is dressing down.
Enough of this, Steve needs some recreation, some time to enjoy himself! Time to unwind at a concert and think back to the time he played Britney’s boyfriend in Everytime.
The v/o says some garbage about being ourselves, and of course, Steven is the most himself when talking to a reporter on the red carpet! Steve’s got his funeral suit on and hair mussed just so, becaus this is an important event (it’s not).
Kids, eCigs don’t pay for themselves, even if you are the spokesperson, and rent in NYC is expensive, so we catch up with Steve in our next location, a movie set. I don’t know what movie this is for, but I’d guess the logline went something like “The military takes over a small suburban town in New Jersey and the sheriff, played by Stephen Dorff, must take back his town… with his fists.” Either that or the crew asked Steve to cool it with the vape pen for once and Steve declined, getting a swift punch to the eye for his trouble.
It’s :45 into the spot and I’ve lost the narrative! What is even going on with this scene? Was somebody just murdered? The production team must’ve had a hell of a time finding this many crows to scare on a cloudy day. Whatever the deal is, it’s got Stephen’s brow furrowed like we’ve never seen.
Stephen must’ve had a hell of a good time in Machu Pichu, it’s our third trip here and we’re almost done with this spot. The memories come flooding back as Stephen draws on his vape pen, thinking about all the tail he’s gonna get tonite at the resort when he shows off the boss tattoo he got hanging out with Aerosmith filming the video for Cryin’
It’s a new day! Stephen is waking up to the Manhattan skyline as per usual. It’s early, maybe he’ll hit the gym, go for a run, a brisk walk, leave the pressures behind and get some fresh air! Ditch these goddamn eCigs and get serious about not smoking, get serious about his career, get serious about his life, man.
Maybe not, as we end with Steve taking one last deep drag off the eCig…